Privacy Policy (The “We Promise We’re Not Stalking You” Edition)
Hey there, internet wanderer! This privacy policy has been lovingly crafted for those of you who lie awake at night wondering what happens to your “Personally Identifiable Information” (PII) as it floats through the digital cosmos. You know, the stuff that makes you… well, you. In legal speak, that’s anything that could help someone find you in a crowd, slide into your DMs, or prove you’re that person who keeps ordering pineapple on pizza. You are so busted!
What We Know About You (Spoiler Alert: Not Much!)
By default, we collect about as much information as a goldfish remembers from yesterday – absolutely nothing! We’re not those creepy relatives who keep tabs on your every move. However, like that one friend who remembers your coffee order, we might pick up a few details to make your experience better.
When Do We Get Nosey?
We only start taking notes when:
- You subscribe to our newsletter (because carrier pigeons are so last century). Wait, do we actually have one?!
- You fill out a form (we promise it’s not going to any intelligence agency)
- You enter information on our site (voluntarily, not through mind reading – we’re working on that for 2035)
What We Do With Your Info (Besides Not Selling It to Aliens)
We might use your information to:
- Run contests (no, not the “You’re the 1,000,000th visitor!” kind), which we have not done so far by lack of sponsors.
- Send you emails (we promise they’re more entertaining than your spam folder if we ever email you)
- Remember your preferences (like your unhealthy attachment to dark mode – or that pineapple on your pizza)
How We Protect Your Stuff (Our USA Fort Knox Impression)
Our website gets more security scans than an airport passenger wearing all their holiday shopping. We use:
- Regular Malware Scanning (because digital germs are the worst) by silly cheap WordPress plugin that say that they do that.
- Advanced Security Measures (fancier than your phone’s facial recognition failing when you wear sunglasses) run by our web server and hosting company.
We never ask for sensitive information like credit card numbers, your secret cookie recipe, or what really happened at your 2016 office Christmas party. But come on, at least you can give a hint!
Cookie Policy (Not The Chocolate Chip Kind)
Yes, we use cookies. No, not the delicious kind that makes you break your diet. These are digital trackers that help us remember stuff, like whether you prefer cats or dogs (both is the correct answer). You can:
- Tell your browser to warn you about cookies (it’ll be like having a paranoid digital butler)
- Turn them all off (but then our website might act like it’s Monday morning and not ready for the week yet)
Third-Party Shenanigans
We don’t sell your info to sketchy third parties, underground data brokers, or that suspicious van parked across the street. However, we do share data with:
Our hosting partners (they keep the lights on)They didn’t want any.Business partners (the legitimate ones, not your cousin’s “amazing business opportunity”)If only we had them- Law enforcement (if you’re planning to rob banks and all, we might have to tell them)
Google (The All-Seeing Eye)
We use Google AdSense because we need to keep our imported Cambodian cat fed. Google uses cookies to serve ads based on your previous visits, which is why that pair of shoes you looked at once follows you around the internet like a clingy ex. And the cat loves salmon, by the way.
For the Muricans: California Privacy Rights (They Likes Extra Paperwork)
According to CalOPPA (which sounds like a trendy coffee drink but isn’t), we promise to:
- Let you browse anonymously (like a digital ninja)
- Not track you when you say “don’t track me” (we respect boundaries)
- Notify you of changes (faster than your significant other tells you about their spontaneous haircut – which again you didn’t notice on time!)
Children’s Privacy (COPPA)
We don’t specifically market to children under 13 because, let’s face it, they’re already smarter than us when it comes to technology and have already seen the TikTok version of this entire website in a 5-seconds video.
In Case of Data Breach (The “Oops” Protocol)
If our security gets breached (which is about as likely as your cat admitting it knocked over that vase), we’ll:
- Notify you within 7 business days
- Deeply question our life choices
- Hide under our desks while fixing the problem
Contact Us
If you have questions about this policy, feel free to contact us. We promise a real human will respond (or at least a very well-trained hamster).